A Real Partner

Because of my real-life experiences, I have real-life things I just have to uphold. I’ve had really messy and painful relationships before and I want to be realistic but also want to protect & respect myself. Also, although the outline below seems pretty strict, I think I’ve left room for flexibility, you know?

Requirements:

  • RESPECT FOR ALL PEOPLE/THINGS
  • NO HABITUAL DRUGS NOR SMOKING either please
  • Minor gambling (w/friends, or during vacation) permissible
    • basically means let’s not get into debt or leverage impt. things like house, car, etc.
  • Minimal-moderate drinking permissible
    • minimal= mostly at special occasions (ex: holidays, BBQs, weddings)
    • moderate= weekends generally? Essentially, drinking w/o getting hella drunk
    • *Just, no need to be hella drunk, or even always drunk, when drinking. I figure (dunno though, no personal experience) it’s possible to do that and still enjoy it. Or at most, can sometimes be drunk, but I don’t want to (nor think I should have to, if known from the start) deal with an alcoholic, so yes.
  • Smart; if smarter than me, never intentionally makes me feel stupid or uses it against me.
  • Not a player. Talk to me, I may be way more flexible or open to things than I seem. But I can’t handle player-related insecurity, so just talking about things would be easier and better for both of us.
  • Doesn’t ridicule my fears/insecurities/anxieties
  • Doesn’t ridicule things I enjoy or condescendingly dismiss them as a phase
  • Can understand & respect need for balancing our relationship & friendships— i.e., we of course can share but also be able to have/do separate things w/friends sometimes
  • ***But of course, loves me most aside from parents, siblings, and children, as those are incomparable positions. Like, I would never ask, “Who do you love more, me or your parents?” Among incomparable positions is life partner (if we are at that stage), so in that case, that position must be incontestably mine.
    • The reasons I am held in this position should be me-specific (i.e. “you’re pretty, nice, etc.” doesn’t suffice b/c that applies to a zillion people). I don’t like to be a “testing/prove it” kind of person, but nothing’s good for either party if you don’t have any specific reasons to pick one person over any other.
  • Has (or is working on, I’ll be fair b/c I don’t have many myself at the moment) practical skills—house/tools, finances, that kind of thing. Enough combined with my skills (or lack thereof) so we can at least survive decently without trouble
  • Appropriate sense of competition/sportsmanship (no actual rage/anger over games)
  • Gets along w/his own family, or at least really tries—underneath difficulties, they all love each other (?). No hatred, no hatred please. At minimum, can be civil with them.
  • Truly likes & tries to get along with my family
  • Social, without being unmanagably socially ignorant.
    • Basically don’t be rude if you actually know better. PLEASE have tact!
  • Serious when appropriate, but has (unhurtful) sense of humor
  • Basic hygiene— please be a decent human by showering & brushing your teeth, ok?

A Dream Partner

Before anyone else can say it: I know the majority of these things are picky or rather unrealistic. Part of the reason for making this list is so I can check myself. Besides, this is a dream list.

This list originated years ago and is of course under semi-frequent revision. Some things are subject to change probably. ‘Cause people increasingly ask me about it so it’s been on my mind. I’d be interested to hear any comments, especially regarding what seems reasonable and what’s too out there! I always appreciate perspective.
So, for my potential (likely hypothetical for the following reasons) significant other:

Somewhat important/necessary:

  • Well, I’m 99.5% sure, and comfortable, with my assessment that I’m cishet (cisgendered =identify with birth gender; het = from heterosexual). But I’ve never been asked out by any girl, so that’s why there’s the remaining 0.5%. I’ll leave it open because I won’t know until I’m faced with it, right? Though I trust my intuition. So preference is male.
  • Does not have become seriously angry in relation to the performance of professional sports teams.
  • Is smart but isn’t condescending to people who are just not as intelligent. Extra points if enjoys & is nice about teaching things. Esp. if smarter than me.
  • Patient, for the reason above.
  • Has a minimal amount of hypocrisy (as I know all humans are to some extent, including myself)
  • Is mostly ok with my lack of participating in PDA
  • Enjoys travel, books, BBC, superheros, anime/cosplay, and music. Bonus for the ability to sing or play an instrument. I’m a sucker for that. But that’s not a requirement, just easier for an interested party. Not like there are any though
  • No tree or ground nut allergies, specifically peanuts. I know it’s a little unfair but TBH, I’ve lived most of my life w/o romantic relationships, but living w/o peanut butter is beyond my imagination. It’d be the biggest shock of my life to find someone I’d give up peanut butter for. I think I have the capability, but really it’d be a boon if that wasn’t necessary. I suppose that would be a sign of true love (I’m half-joking here)

It would be cool but not necessary:

  • My height minimum? I think that’s fair, I’m 5’4″….Is it unfair? This is just a preference list
  • Hair neat when awake & about the public. At least not constantly a rat’s nest.
  • Doesn’t mind too much my lack of creativity
  • Captures or otherwise deals with bugs for me when I just can’t. Specifically spiders & roaches, I’m sorry. I know men can be creeped out by bugs too. I will try my best. “Deals” doesn’t have to be killing —if they wanna catch spiders and release them outside instead of killing them, kudos to them— but I don’t care as long as bugs are not in my house
  • Travel somewhere new for a vacation every three-ish years or so. Even if it’s just the next town over.
  • Spontaneous (somewhat) & affectionate
    • although a warning, I’m shy at being involved in PDA
  • Willing to try new things, but not too pushy

The Dream Recorder

I think it would be cool if there was some kind of way to record your dreams like you’d do with a show on T.V., and be able to transfer it to some kind of media device so you could watch them again.
With some kind of mechanism as well as a supreme guaranteed set of laws to make them  un-hackable, and nobody could use them against you. Then I think the dream recorder would be one of the nicest inventions.

Thanksgiving

My friend Suki-chan challenged me to five days where I list the things I am most thankful for. So in no particular order, here they are in a collective list:

  • My family, by blood & friendship
  • music
  • nature
  • books
  • children
  • peanut butter
  • my various concert wingmen
  • animanga
  • the regenerative abilities of the body
  • Hank & John Green
  • the Internet (most of the time, but definitely excluding certain aspects)
  • living in a country where abuse is abhorrent
  • living in financial stability
  • medical and technological advancements
  • inventors and explorers

Rigor Mortis (5/20/15)

Upon waking up
My first thought-
feeling-instinct-
All that I want
Is for you to come back to me
Lay here beside me
And wake up with me

But then I remember
It would be impossible
To hold you forever
Have you hold me forever
Hold each other forever

I cannot accomplish this
Even in dreams
Yet even so, in my heart it seems,
There I can
-cannot help-
But hold you

In this heart
that aches and contracts,
quivering,
Because that is how a heart cries

In this heart
That quakes then slacks,
stiffening,
Because this is how a heart dies

Gradually,
but without end
So you see, I cannot pretend
Although it’s numbing I cannot rend
My heart to complete indifference

For it is in
-always in-
a state of Rigor Mortis

I Am a Sentimental Sap (10/16/14)

Yesterday was gloriously windy, or was it Tuesday that was so? Whichever day it was, I enjoyed it immensely. Windy weather is my favorite kind of weather, followed by the thunderstorms of Chicago, though I must only enjoy those from indoors. Whenever the weather is windy I think of Alexander Rybak’s “Roll with the Wind” and the Norwegian version, the one I allow myself to sing aloud around others, “Vanda Med Vinden”. It was almost as windy as the one time that it was so windy, I was literally picked up and carried a few feet by the wind. Glorious.

Actually, I think that was on Tuesday. I finished all the homework that was due today, minus watching a short documentary that to be honest wasn’t that important for the class. I got back a midterm and I did quite well on it, though I did not entirely finish it. At lunch I got to hear about amazing WIP stories from two of my friends that sound absolutely fantabulous and I have one from another sent a few weeks ago (I’m terrible, I know, but forgive me because I have no free days in this month until Halloween) and I hope to read them soon.
Once my classes were done for the day I went to the theatre department’s costume sale and I bought a very cute handkerchief/bandana thing. It make me very happy because I had a pink one I was given in elementary school that I was very fond of, but I misplaced it years ago. I still wish I could find it, but something is very comforting about this small scrap of red cloth.

I was invited by a friend to hang out and swim at her apartment along with her and our other friends who could come, and that was lovely. I didn’t go all the way in because I hadn’t brought nor bought a swimsuit but I did stick in my legs. We chatted and shared food and fooled around for several hours.

At the pool today specifically I was hit with the thought while the event was occurring, but also in general a little over a month ago I met some of those new people along with others, whom I now hang out with in a group based on books and other fun and enlightening things.
At the pool and at the mezzanine we discuss endless interesting things and I don’t feel invalidated as a person at all. I feel the stirs of humanity, positive stirs, and they are nice and warm and lovely, just like the people whose company I am privileged to be in. Today’s event was poignantly bittersweet, because I was so purely happy, without underlying ever-present gloom mist, and I haven’t felt this human for so long, I don’t remember having truly let myself be this human for so long, (there may be a few exceptions, but I cannot recall them) that I wasn’t sure if I remembered what it was like, or if I was capable of finding out. It made me want to cry a little, except even when I was regularly human, (aside from the period of time when I was a stuck-up wimp, around elementary school age) I didn’t cry very much. But I had the sentiment, especially today. The scenes are just so normal, and cheerful, and wonderful. Attention and appreciation and today hugs- genuine, and natural. This is the mode of things for normal humans, and it is wonderful to feel something positive again.

Now I just must learn how to take this patched-up wariness and turn it into a sieve; for having reached a breaking point before, I know what my limit is- or rather, hope that was my lowest limit- and know I likely will never get completely rid of my guard (though it is possibly a teeny bit rational to keep one). I just need/want to learn how to keep the wall low, but strong; and make it out of something permeable, flexible, while not porous to all (because I also think that’s the way to prevent myself from that terrible implosion/explosion of before). For ultimately, complete shutout means shutting out goodness as well as the things that tear you apart. By letting myself be permeable, starting from scratch and taking in positive things-so long as they truly are that- then in that way, being more open to emotion and feeling will, through the positive ones, hopefully become the substance of the wall- the liquid protection behind and around; strengthening and fortifying against the things that tear me apart, the positivity of humanity, will hopefully be diminished in power such that they can no longer do that to me.

I think it would be good for me to let humanity in. Since I will only ever be this specific being once, and I can only be sure of this life and what I know of this soul in this body, which is a human body, then for the me that is indisputably here, I think that I should be human. It would be good for me to be human, and the best part is because of these people, I want to be human. I want to be.

Crying & Laughing & Smiling (5/5/15)

Last Thursday, April 30th, is the most recent time (and last time) I can remember laughing, and laughing because I couldn’t help it. I haven’t really since then and I can’t remember the last time I did before that, specifically. Of course I had before, and within the last few months, but honestly I can’t remember.

Anyway, the 30th was the last rehearsal for choir and the director was helping us learn the difference and importance of pronouncing the “z” sound for words like “trees.” Because, as he told us, say you take the line from the famous song/musical “Footloose,” “take me off of my knees.” If you pronounce it with the “s” rather than the “z” sound, what you are singing is… “take me off of my niece”. Thank you for making me laugh, Dr. B.

On May 2nd, I was on a crying jag and sort-of watching Taylor Swift music videos whilst it was happening. I can’t tell if that is helpful or not yet, I’m hoping helpful.

Yesterday I had two more. The first (I think) started while I was listening to the radio whilst driving to school. Whatever the stations were, I sang along to Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You”, and I was alright, then Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” came on and while I was listening (didn’t feel like singing anymore) I started crying a little.

Still not sure if her music is triggering a helpful/hurtful process for me (in NO WAY blaming T-Swizzle, I do like her music, truly). I just know I wanted to listen to some of her music yesterday so I put on the album “Fearless” while I was driving to school and then I know for sure from that point ‘til I opened the door to get on the shuttle that was certainly a crying jag.
I didn’t know if I could handle going to class, or did I want to see a friend of mine more, but I did end up going to my first class. And the friend I wanted to see was in the class right after. But when I was in the restroom before the second class I share with my friend, I started crying again a little, but I stopped it somehow and got through the class, although I’m anxious about it because I’m supposed to talk my head off in there (for participation points) but I just couldn’t. Anxiety sucks, yo.

Then my classes were over and I put the CD on again (b/c nothing I felt like listening to on the radio) and I cried all the drive home again. Stopped when I got out and kept my sunglasses on while I let my sister in the house (she forgot her key) so she wouldn’t see. I ached but didn’t cry, made brownies for the choir concert, did the dishes, and went to my room to take a nap before I had to get ready.

Instead I cried again for 40 minutes ‘til I put on Utada Hikaru’s “Simple & Clean” on repeat. Listened to it until finally my brain started to shut off so I could sleep. Except, 10 minutes later my “You should be driving to concert in 10 further minutes” alarm went off. So no sleep. And I was late to the dress rehearsal and my skirt and my shoes didn’t fit and I had to stuff paper towels in the shoes, which then pinched me the whole night. But my shoes would’ve fallen off otherwise.

I was cranky toward my mother because of it. And probably going to drive either just frustrated or crying or both maybe, I dunno, except my dad ran out w/o having put his shoes on first because he wanted to carpool to the concert with me, ‘cause he wanted to see it. So I was slightly anxious because I couldn’t drive as fast as I usually do (which isn’t too horrible I think, max 5 over limit, but then again, y’know, anything over IS over) and so I thought I’d be even more late. But it was very nice of him to come, and although I couldn’t spot him in the audience, I did feel glad he was there by the middle of the concert.

However, our director just makes me smile. I don’t know how, but I’m so glad for it. And once we switched to the other choirs singing, I started to feel better. Some of their songs pained me because I have heartache and of course the general depression, but they were all beautiful. And most of the songs were upbeat with entertaining acting so I did feel enjoyment.

After the concert I met my friend’s mother and brother, and a classmate of mine recognized me and tried to talk to me, but underneath everything I’m sad, and also as a general fact I don’t know how to talk to people. He’s very nice and I was startled, but pleasantly so ‘cause he seemed very pleased for whatever reason, probably because he was able to recognize me, it seemed. I think he’s just a very nice sociable person by nature, but now since I’m anxious and afraid of my own judgement, I’m not going to presume he is. But if you ask my other friends probably they might have that opinion. I’m not usually aware of my facial expressions (because I tend to lack any) but I did appreciate that, so thank you classmate whose name I should but cannot remember.

Between dress rehearsal and the start of the concert  I sent a text apologizing to my mother. And she saved and heated up some chicken and homemade potato fries for me for when I got home. I really have wonderful parents and I love them very much. They are too nice for me I think sometimes, I don’t deserve such nice family and friends but I am so so glad I have them.

Post-dinner, I went on Facebook and scrolled past an article whose title was “What’s the nicest thing a stranger’s ever done for you?” and you know, for once it made me remember something without thinking too hard and it WAS very nice. Last year I went to a book sale at the library without my phone, and I parked across the street and apparently my headlights were on, for several hours (because it’s a book sale, dang nabbit!) so the car battery died. The lady whose house I was in front of told me she noticed it earlier but didn’t know who the driver was or where they had gone, so she was waiting until the time of her party anyway, she waited for the driver (me) to come back. And then she had her sons restart my car and all I had was my thanks but they all said that that was more than enough and it was and still is just a reminder I needed that humans can be kind and I need to be less afraid of them, and of becoming one.

So today I’ve been really sad, and frustrated, but the concert itself and post-concert socializing and remembrance of kind strangers has, for now at least, calmed me a little and I hope my mind blanks out earlier tonight. It’d be such a relief, as it’s been rare for the last month or so, and I’d be very grateful and due to its rarity, would feel like the most blessed top to redeem the day a bit. Although considering the day altogether, I should be content with what I had, so that’s all right.
Sov gott to all!
<3, N