Confession/Reflection 2/27/14

“Oh, when your heart releases, you won’t fall to pieces. You’ll let those old diseases lie. Oh, and your heart releases. You won’t fall to pieces. And your breath comes crashing in like perfect porcelain.”
– Marianas Trench

This is the quote that one day I plan to have tattooed across my arms, because it is that significant to me. In autumn of 2012, I had an emotional breakdown in a semi-public area, yet was entirely ignored by the few people passing by— and I was scaring myself and didn’t know what to do, which just escalated the outburst. I don’t remember how but I physically calmed down enough to get home, where I then tried to mentally calm down, and used music as a distraction to that end. So it’s bittersweet, because I’ve always loved his music, and still have happy feelings hearing and singing it, but at the same time, Rob Thomas was the soundtrack to my sadness and madness. Yet also in a saving way, for it helped me cry and release my pain, and later served as a comfort to calm me down.

But a few days later, this lyric from “Porcelain” really stood out to me. These words encourage me, that when I ever get near that point of hopelessness and misery again— because I managed to get myself going on my own that last time it happened— I will be able to get past it. I will not “fall to pieces” but rather “let those old diseases lie”.
These lyrics tell me that even if I return to that level of despair, I cannot be irreparably broken, and through this knowledge, these words also serve as my resolution, making me more determined to keep up the battle, so that I won’t let anything make me feel that forlorn ever again.

Voice Crushes

The Brain Radio refers to when a song (or multiple songs, or really strange medleys of songs) get stuck in my head. My own radio, more personalized than Pandora or Spotify could ever hope to become!

In the previous post, I mentioned I wish it were possible to marry voices. Because you see, often I don’t know much, if anything, about the person who has the voice. Or I do, but only the person they portray in public, you know? I don’t know these people personally, no matter how much they seem to share. Most of them, I do like as people from what I know about them. But I’m not a fan of “shipping” real people, you see. And what if the person and I are not compatible?

But the voices, mmm. That’s not a problem.
I know I’m forgetting many others right now. A lot of them belong singers or ASMRtists. I’ll make another post explaining and focusing on ASMR at a later date. For now, without further ado (in no particular order), my voice crushes:

Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20)
Josh Ramsay (of Marianas Trench)
Mandy Moore
Alexander Rybak
Jesse McCartney
Bruno Mars
Jewel

CardlinAudio
Gaelforce Audio
Obviously ASMR
Gentlewhispering
WhispersRed ASMR
ScottishMurmurs ASMR
Heather Feather
Tony Bomboni
Andrew Quo

Brain Radio

Usually people are concerned when they start hearing voices in their heads. Not me! The beautiful voices…I know I’ve said it before, but I’d seriously marry voices if it was possible. Thank you, BrainRadio! ^.^

Castles in the Air

I have multiple “estates” with different “castles in the air”, and the one wherein I do stretch that I’d actually decide to become married, it’d be cool, but not necessary of course, if the person I married happened to be a musician, vocally and/or multi-instrumental. I’m kind of like Ursula the sea-witch in that most of my celebrity crushes, for example, are based upon me falling in love with the person’s voice, then later their personality. And except that I love these people of course, I definitely want to posses their voices. But not through stealing.

Human “Helicopters”

You know what, I’m freaking tired of people thinking I haven’t thought through my plans, and that my experiences don’t count toward anything. I’m tired of them thinking that I don’t understand the responsibility of how much effort and what means I’ll have to use to get where I want to. I am tired of people supposedly giving me advice out of “good intentions” because they want me to know for sure about my plans so I don’t have to waste my time. I KNOW that maybe I’ll suck at this, and maybe I’ll have to change my plans, but I UNDERSTAND the risk of that.
I understand you supposedly mean well, but I thought the whole point of what has been preached to me is that I’ve got to start being responsible for myself. I can’t do that if people are basically telling me I can’t do things on my own.
SCRUVA DEN.
If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. And though no one truly believes it, I CAN make it so they will not have to lose anything for their involvement. No time will be wasted, and it’s really THEIR time they’re concerned about.

This path that I want to pursue is the ultimate, singular, ONLY thing in my life outside of a few people that has ever given me true joy or shown me unconditional faith, or given me any hope that I can do something before I die that might mean an atom of a thing to anyone.
With all due respect, I still want to just request a big BUG OFF and let my life choices be MY business.