Last Thursday, April 30th, is the most recent time (and last time) I can remember laughing, and laughing because I couldn’t help it. I haven’t really since then and I can’t remember the last time I did before that, specifically. Of course I had before, and within the last few months, but honestly I can’t remember.
Anyway, the 30th was the last rehearsal for choir and the director was helping us learn the difference and importance of pronouncing the “z” sound for words like “trees.” Because, as he told us, say you take the line from the famous song/musical “Footloose,” “take me off of my knees.” If you pronounce it with the “s” rather than the “z” sound, what you are singing is… “take me off of my niece”. Thank you for making me laugh, Dr. B.
On May 2nd, I was on a crying jag and sort-of watching Taylor Swift music videos whilst it was happening. I can’t tell if that is helpful or not yet, I’m hoping helpful.
Yesterday I had two more. The first (I think) started while I was listening to the radio whilst driving to school. Whatever the stations were, I sang along to Gavin DeGraw’s “Not Over You”, and I was alright, then Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” came on and while I was listening (didn’t feel like singing anymore) I started crying a little.
Still not sure if her music is triggering a helpful/hurtful process for me (in NO WAY blaming T-Swizzle, I do like her music, truly). I just know I wanted to listen to some of her music yesterday so I put on the album “Fearless” while I was driving to school and then I know for sure from that point ‘til I opened the door to get on the shuttle that was certainly a crying jag.
I didn’t know if I could handle going to class, or did I want to see a friend of mine more, but I did end up going to my first class. And the friend I wanted to see was in the class right after. But when I was in the restroom before the second class I share with my friend, I started crying again a little, but I stopped it somehow and got through the class, although I’m anxious about it because I’m supposed to talk my head off in there (for participation points) but I just couldn’t. Anxiety sucks, yo.
Then my classes were over and I put the CD on again (b/c nothing I felt like listening to on the radio) and I cried all the drive home again. Stopped when I got out and kept my sunglasses on while I let my sister in the house (she forgot her key) so she wouldn’t see. I ached but didn’t cry, made brownies for the choir concert, did the dishes, and went to my room to take a nap before I had to get ready.
Instead I cried again for 40 minutes ‘til I put on Utada Hikaru’s “Simple & Clean” on repeat. Listened to it until finally my brain started to shut off so I could sleep. Except, 10 minutes later my “You should be driving to concert in 10 further minutes” alarm went off. So no sleep. And I was late to the dress rehearsal and my skirt and my shoes didn’t fit and I had to stuff paper towels in the shoes, which then pinched me the whole night. But my shoes would’ve fallen off otherwise.
I was cranky toward my mother because of it. And probably going to drive either just frustrated or crying or both maybe, I dunno, except my dad ran out w/o having put his shoes on first because he wanted to carpool to the concert with me, ‘cause he wanted to see it. So I was slightly anxious because I couldn’t drive as fast as I usually do (which isn’t too horrible I think, max 5 over limit, but then again, y’know, anything over IS over) and so I thought I’d be even more late. But it was very nice of him to come, and although I couldn’t spot him in the audience, I did feel glad he was there by the middle of the concert.
However, our director just makes me smile. I don’t know how, but I’m so glad for it. And once we switched to the other choirs singing, I started to feel better. Some of their songs pained me because I have heartache and of course the general depression, but they were all beautiful. And most of the songs were upbeat with entertaining acting so I did feel enjoyment.
After the concert I met my friend’s mother and brother, and a classmate of mine recognized me and tried to talk to me, but underneath everything I’m sad, and also as a general fact I don’t know how to talk to people. He’s very nice and I was startled, but pleasantly so ‘cause he seemed very pleased for whatever reason, probably because he was able to recognize me, it seemed. I think he’s just a very nice sociable person by nature, but now since I’m anxious and afraid of my own judgement, I’m not going to presume he is. But if you ask my other friends probably they might have that opinion. I’m not usually aware of my facial expressions (because I tend to lack any) but I did appreciate that, so thank you classmate whose name I should but cannot remember.
Between dress rehearsal and the start of the concert I sent a text apologizing to my mother. And she saved and heated up some chicken and homemade potato fries for me for when I got home. I really have wonderful parents and I love them very much. They are too nice for me I think sometimes, I don’t deserve such nice family and friends but I am so so glad I have them.
Post-dinner, I went on Facebook and scrolled past an article whose title was “What’s the nicest thing a stranger’s ever done for you?” and you know, for once it made me remember something without thinking too hard and it WAS very nice. Last year I went to a book sale at the library without my phone, and I parked across the street and apparently my headlights were on, for several hours (because it’s a book sale, dang nabbit!) so the car battery died. The lady whose house I was in front of told me she noticed it earlier but didn’t know who the driver was or where they had gone, so she was waiting until the time of her party anyway, she waited for the driver (me) to come back. And then she had her sons restart my car and all I had was my thanks but they all said that that was more than enough and it was and still is just a reminder I needed that humans can be kind and I need to be less afraid of them, and of becoming one.
So today I’ve been really sad, and frustrated, but the concert itself and post-concert socializing and remembrance of kind strangers has, for now at least, calmed me a little and I hope my mind blanks out earlier tonight. It’d be such a relief, as it’s been rare for the last month or so, and I’d be very grateful and due to its rarity, would feel like the most blessed top to redeem the day a bit. Although considering the day altogether, I should be content with what I had, so that’s all right.
Sov gott to all!