Yesterday was gloriously windy, or was it Tuesday that was so? Whichever day it was, I enjoyed it immensely. Windy weather is my favorite kind of weather, followed by the thunderstorms of Chicago, though I must only enjoy those from indoors. Whenever the weather is windy I think of Alexander Rybak’s “Roll with the Wind” and the Norwegian version, the one I allow myself to sing aloud around others, “Vanda Med Vinden”. It was almost as windy as the one time that it was so windy, I was literally picked up and carried a few feet by the wind. Glorious.
Actually, I think that was on Tuesday. I finished all the homework that was due today, minus watching a short documentary that to be honest wasn’t that important for the class. I got back a midterm and I did quite well on it, though I did not entirely finish it. At lunch I got to hear about amazing WIP stories from two of my friends that sound absolutely fantabulous and I have one from another sent a few weeks ago (I’m terrible, I know, but forgive me because I have no free days in this month until Halloween) and I hope to read them soon.
Once my classes were done for the day I went to the theatre department’s costume sale and I bought a very cute handkerchief/bandana thing. It make me very happy because I had a pink one I was given in elementary school that I was very fond of, but I misplaced it years ago. I still wish I could find it, but something is very comforting about this small scrap of red cloth.
I was invited by a friend to hang out and swim at her apartment along with her and our other friends who could come, and that was lovely. I didn’t go all the way in because I hadn’t brought nor bought a swimsuit but I did stick in my legs. We chatted and shared food and fooled around for several hours.
At the pool today specifically I was hit with the thought while the event was occurring, but also in general a little over a month ago I met some of those new people along with others, whom I now hang out with in a group based on books and other fun and enlightening things.
At the pool and at the mezzanine we discuss endless interesting things and I don’t feel invalidated as a person at all. I feel the stirs of humanity, positive stirs, and they are nice and warm and lovely, just like the people whose company I am privileged to be in. Today’s event was poignantly bittersweet, because I was so purely happy, without underlying ever-present gloom mist, and I haven’t felt this human for so long, I don’t remember having truly let myself be this human for so long, (there may be a few exceptions, but I cannot recall them) that I wasn’t sure if I remembered what it was like, or if I was capable of finding out. It made me want to cry a little, except even when I was regularly human, (aside from the period of time when I was a stuck-up wimp, around elementary school age) I didn’t cry very much. But I had the sentiment, especially today. The scenes are just so normal, and cheerful, and wonderful. Attention and appreciation and today hugs- genuine, and natural. This is the mode of things for normal humans, and it is wonderful to feel something positive again.
Now I just must learn how to take this patched-up wariness and turn it into a sieve; for having reached a breaking point before, I know what my limit is- or rather, hope that was my lowest limit- and know I likely will never get completely rid of my guard (though it is possibly a teeny bit rational to keep one). I just need/want to learn how to keep the wall low, but strong; and make it out of something permeable, flexible, while not porous to all (because I also think that’s the way to prevent myself from that terrible implosion/explosion of before). For ultimately, complete shutout means shutting out goodness as well as the things that tear you apart. By letting myself be permeable, starting from scratch and taking in positive things-so long as they truly are that- then in that way, being more open to emotion and feeling will, through the positive ones, hopefully become the substance of the wall- the liquid protection behind and around; strengthening and fortifying against the things that tear me apart, the positivity of humanity, will hopefully be diminished in power such that they can no longer do that to me.
I think it would be good for me to let humanity in. Since I will only ever be this specific being once, and I can only be sure of this life and what I know of this soul in this body, which is a human body, then for the me that is indisputably here, I think that I should be human. It would be good for me to be human, and the best part is because of these people, I want to be human. I want to be.