Most of the time, I’m not lonely when I’m alone; I generally enjoy bouts of solitude, especially if I can be out meditating or just chilling in the forest.
Yet lately when I’m by myself I do feel a little lonely. What’s weird for me is even when I’m at school, surrounded by people, I feel it too. I could understand that thought because my school has around 20,000 students I believe, so of course there would be more people who are strangers than familiar to me.
But the weirdest thing of all is, even when I’m with my friends and family, and there is nothing sad or depressing or boring going on, and by rights all things are going well or should be peaceful or exciting- I experience the pleasing sense of the activity and company, yet still feel lonely. And I don’t know where this is coming from, which makes me sad in the way Amy Pond cries in “Vincent and the Doctor” but sincerely has no idea why. My loneliness usually stems from feeling not as interesting/intelligent as my friends’ other friends, or nostalgia, or wanderlust, but none of that’s occurring this time. I’m not feeling depressed or in that odd indescribable state I was in during Fall 2012, it’s just plain loneliness.
I don’t know where it’s coming from or why. And there’s an odd dialogue that runs through my head wherein I’ve got Marianas Trench’s line “Why can’t you just be lonely?” playing and being answered by my separate mind with “I already am.”
I am, but why?