Horrid Hormones, or Who Do You Love (7/27/15)

Kinda wanna cuddle and maybe make out with a boy, but which one? Or does it need to be any of them, or would any random respectful boy I find aesthetically attractive suffice? I want someone long-term eventually of course, but how do I tell if I want that now? Am I just lonely? Is it just hormones? Or some combination?

Was I ever in love with PD? With Gary? Am I in love with either of them right now? If so, when and how? Or which one? And what about BC? Did I or do I have true love for any of them?

Does being in love differ depending on who you love? How is true love defined, and does it differ depending on who you love? If being in love and/or true love DO differ depending on WHO you love, then how do you recognize when you are in love with someone, or when you have true love for them? How do you recognize such states when YOU are the recipient?

And if you are both in love with someone AND have a true love for them, how should you deal if you have lost them and they don’t want to give it another try? What should you say or do for a person when they feel and think about YOU like that?

Or what do you do if you rejected someone before but now you think you wanna try with them because you understand how they define love, and your definition is the same?
When you have that thought, is it because you truly are in love with that particular individual now, because of the way they love(d) you? Or because you just want to be loved in the same manner of how YOU love? How do you tell?
And what do you do if you finally love them how they loved you, but you rejected them and now they don’t feel the same or don’t want to try? How should you deal if it’s too late?

Timing is the main obstruction to love.

End of an Era (12/4/16)

Lots of advice says not to give up on someone you love, but to help them through and persevere. But what if that person wants you to go away? What if they truly mean it? What if they reject your desire to help– and that’s perfectly within their right– but what if they also want you to go away, and don’t want any sort of support, company, or even contact from you?

That’s in their right too of course, but then how are you supposed to follow “You’ll never have what you want if you give up” or “Nothing will change/can happen if you don’t try again”?

What if you aren’t allowed that chance?

Then there’s the opposing advice: “If they can’t see/appreciate you/that, then it’s not meant to be/that person’s not right for you” and “Sometimes you just have to give up & move on.”

But how can you know at what point to give up trying with someone? Whether you should keep trying for who you love or stop trying for who you love? And on whose behalf?

There’s the quandary: “Can’t love if you don’t, I can’t try if you wont.” I know.
I know.

Thus, I recognize the most likely thing is I’ll have to face the music at some point. In my case, to get beyond trying to let go and move on, and actually do so. “I hope you know that I don’t blame you my dear friend. Always will love you still. But Astoria must end.”

This is true for me too. But then how can I ever make or reach a true end?

So Soon

Most of the time, I’m not lonely when I’m alone; I generally enjoy bouts of solitude, especially if I can be out meditating or just chilling in the forest.

Yet lately when I’m by myself I do feel a little lonely. What’s weird for me is even when I’m at school, surrounded by people, I feel it too. I could understand that thought because my school has around 20,000 students I believe, so of course there would be more people who are strangers than familiar to me.

But the weirdest thing of all is, even when I’m with my friends and family, and there is nothing sad or depressing or boring going on, and by rights all things are going well or should be peaceful or exciting- I experience the pleasing sense of the activity and company, yet still feel lonely. And I don’t know where this is coming from, which makes me sad in the way Amy Pond cries in “Vincent and the Doctor” but sincerely has no idea why. My loneliness usually stems from feeling not as interesting/intelligent as my friends’ other friends, or nostalgia, or wanderlust, but none of that’s occurring this time. I’m not feeling depressed or in that odd indescribable state I was in during Fall 2012, it’s just plain loneliness.

I don’t know where it’s coming from or why. And there’s an odd dialogue that runs through my head wherein I’ve got Marianas Trench’s line “Why can’t you just be lonely?” playing and being answered by my separate mind with “I already am.”

I am, but why?

What IS flirting? (10/21/14)

Today another girl commented that she thought a boy I had liked (she doesn’t know I liked him, and he doesn’t either) likes me! So my grounds for thinking that earlier weren’t entirely delusional! Such a relief. Oh, if only that could be! But I told her, “No, he has a girlfriend.” Then she said, “Oh, maybe he’s flirty then…? Nah.” which I took as a general statement but still she looked pointedly at me when saying that…so is she implying that he’s flirty just toward me?

You see, I hadn’t known him for very long anyway but found him attractive both as a person and physically as well (which has never happened to me before) so I wanted to get to know him for a few months and then maybe ask him out. But I gave that up as soon as he mentioned he has a girlfriend. I didn’t know him too well anyway, so it didn’t take me too long to get over my initial tiny disappointment; and this person is nice and interesting and cool still so that being friends only with them is enough.

But a thing about me is that I tend to tease people all the time even without knowing their relationship status/gender/sexuality, because I automatically consider all acquaintances and friendships default platonic. Like when I tease people I’m making light fun and I tend to call them “fool” and such. I feel like flirting is a kind of teasing but with intended underlying romantic/sexual undertones, and that in order to be flirting you must be consciously deciding to do it. Therefore to my knowledge I am never flirting with anyone, I am just teasing people in a joking manner.

For by my own definition I have only been teasing in fun; but now I wonder, by others’/society’s definitions, have I been flirting with him (and everyone else I know) without knowing it? I ask this question because several times in the past, when by my perspective I was just teasing people, others have said that I was flirting. But I couldn’t see how. So apparently my ideas about the concept are different from the norm. Thus I don’t entirely trust my judgement, since I don’t seem to have much natural intuition.

Anyway, because he has a girlfriend, and due to my own default to jovially tease people within the allowances of the realm of platonic friendship, as soon as I learned of his girlfriend I’d dismissed the idea that he was interested in me in any way other than platonic. I just thought he was teasing me in the manner in which I tend to tease people. Therefore I’ve been taking his teasing as just straightforward joking, but now I’m questioning: is what I thought of as him teasing me- is it actually him trying to flirt toward me?
And does he think I am or have been flirting with him? I wonder about that especially because comparatively I actually haven’t teased him to nearly the amount I usually do toward everyone else I meet.

I would love to hear anyone’s ideas on the definitions of and differences between friendly teasing and flirting. I would appreciate clarification and perspective on this, so would anyone care to enlighten this poor oblivious soul? Please feel free to send me your thoughts through here in any way you’re comfortable with. Thank you!

Sleep with Me TM (6/24/15)

I wish there was a service in place where you could put in a request and someone could come and sleep with you. I don’t mean prostitution, I mean like only and actual sleep.

Like a profile thing, and you’d input stuff about yourself like “kinda rolls around a lot. Starts on side but ends up on back.” And you could request things like “Doesn’t snore. Enjoys cuddling” or “no cuddling, can sleep with lights on or off” etc. You’d put in things like average bedtime and hours of sleep, if you take scheduled naps, and such things.

You’d be matched with someone and you could do like a trial run/getting to know you phase (in terms of if you guys are comfortably compatible to be unconscious together).
I dunno if this would work better more like a dating site or a rental site. If it were like a dating site it’d be nice because depending on the alignments of needs and wants, availability would match and there you go! On the other hand, rental-style would be better to ensure safety and professionalism; yet, if people are employees of an agency, availability would be limited. Perhaps if there were both options available, or some kind of hybridization I just haven’t thought of myself?

I know it’s a silly idea sprung from semi-withdrawal, but I just think it’d be so soothing to have a human presence nearby to sleep with me.
Or in my specific case, to wake up with me, but anyway.

Sov gott!

A Real Partner

Because of my real-life experiences, I have real-life things I just have to uphold. I’ve had really messy and painful relationships before and I want to be realistic but also want to protect & respect myself. Also, although the outline below seems pretty strict, I think I’ve left room for flexibility, you know?

Requirements:

  • RESPECT FOR ALL PEOPLE/THINGS
  • NO HABITUAL DRUGS NOR SMOKING either please
  • Minor gambling (w/friends, or during vacation) permissible
    • basically means let’s not get into debt or leverage impt. things like house, car, etc.
  • Minimal-moderate drinking permissible
    • minimal= mostly at special occasions (ex: holidays, BBQs, weddings)
    • moderate= weekends generally? Essentially, drinking w/o getting hella drunk
    • *Just, no need to be hella drunk, or even always drunk, when drinking. I figure (dunno though, no personal experience) it’s possible to do that and still enjoy it. Or at most, can sometimes be drunk, but I don’t want to (nor think I should have to, if known from the start) deal with an alcoholic, so yes.
  • Smart; if smarter than me, never intentionally makes me feel stupid or uses it against me.
  • Not a player. Talk to me, I may be way more flexible or open to things than I seem. But I can’t handle player-related insecurity, so just talking about things would be easier and better for both of us.
  • Doesn’t ridicule my fears/insecurities/anxieties
  • Doesn’t ridicule things I enjoy or condescendingly dismiss them as a phase
  • Can understand & respect need for balancing our relationship & friendships— i.e., we of course can share but also be able to have/do separate things w/friends sometimes
  • ***But of course, loves me most aside from parents, siblings, and children, as those are incomparable positions. Like, I would never ask, “Who do you love more, me or your parents?” Among incomparable positions is life partner (if we are at that stage), so in that case, that position must be incontestably mine.
    • The reasons I am held in this position should be me-specific (i.e. “you’re pretty, nice, etc.” doesn’t suffice b/c that applies to a zillion people). I don’t like to be a “testing/prove it” kind of person, but nothing’s good for either party if you don’t have any specific reasons to pick one person over any other.
  • Has (or is working on, I’ll be fair b/c I don’t have many myself at the moment) practical skills—house/tools, finances, that kind of thing. Enough combined with my skills (or lack thereof) so we can at least survive decently without trouble
  • Appropriate sense of competition/sportsmanship (no actual rage/anger over games)
  • Gets along w/his own family, or at least really tries—underneath difficulties, they all love each other (?). No hatred, no hatred please. At minimum, can be civil with them.
  • Truly likes & tries to get along with my family
  • Social, without being unmanagably socially ignorant.
    • Basically don’t be rude if you actually know better. PLEASE have tact!
  • Serious when appropriate, but has (unhurtful) sense of humor
  • Basic hygiene— please be a decent human by showering & brushing your teeth, ok?