End of an Era (12/4/16)

Lots of advice says not to give up on someone you love, but to help them through and persevere. But what if that person wants you to go away? What if they truly mean it? What if they reject your desire to help– and that’s perfectly within their right– but what if they also want you to go away, and don’t want any sort of support, company, or even contact from you?

That’s in their right too of course, but then how are you supposed to follow “You’ll never have what you want if you give up” or “Nothing will change/can happen if you don’t try again”?

What if you aren’t allowed that chance?

Then there’s the opposing advice: “If they can’t see/appreciate you/that, then it’s not meant to be/that person’s not right for you” and “Sometimes you just have to give up & move on.”

But how can you know at what point to give up trying with someone? Whether you should keep trying for who you love or stop trying for who you love? And on whose behalf?

There’s the quandary: “Can’t love if you don’t, I can’t try if you wont.” I know.
I know.

Thus, I recognize the most likely thing is I’ll have to face the music at some point. In my case, to get beyond trying to let go and move on, and actually do so. “I hope you know that I don’t blame you my dear friend. Always will love you still. But Astoria must end.”

This is true for me too. But then how can I ever make or reach a true end?


So Soon

Most of the time, I’m not lonely when I’m alone; I generally enjoy bouts of solitude, especially if I can be out meditating or just chilling in the forest.

Yet lately when I’m by myself I do feel a little lonely. What’s weird for me is even when I’m at school, surrounded by people, I feel it too. I could understand that thought because my school has around 20,000 students I believe, so of course there would be more people who are strangers than familiar to me.

But the weirdest thing of all is, even when I’m with my friends and family, and there is nothing sad or depressing or boring going on, and by rights all things are going well or should be peaceful or exciting- I experience the pleasing sense of the activity and company, yet still feel lonely. And I don’t know where this is coming from, which makes me sad in the way Amy Pond cries in “Vincent and the Doctor” but sincerely has no idea why. My loneliness usually stems from feeling not as interesting/intelligent as my friends’ other friends, or nostalgia, or wanderlust, but none of that’s occurring this time. I’m not feeling depressed or in that odd indescribable state I was in during Fall 2012, it’s just plain loneliness.

I don’t know where it’s coming from or why. And there’s an odd dialogue that runs through my head wherein I’ve got Marianas Trench’s line “Why can’t you just be lonely?” playing and being answered by my separate mind with “I already am.”

I am, but why?

Top 5 Sad Songs Countdown

#5: Savage Garden- “I Don’t Know You Anymore”

#4: Marianas Trench- “So Soon”

#3: Alexander Rybak- “13 Horses”

#2: The song itself, but esp. this performance by Josh Ramsay- “Lover Dearest” Starting 5:28 onward:

#1: Jesse McCartney- “Invincible” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ro8scNeIyk#

Confession/Reflection 2/27/14

“Oh, when your heart releases, you won’t fall to pieces. You’ll let those old diseases lie. Oh, and your heart releases. You won’t fall to pieces. And your breath comes crashing in like perfect porcelain.”
– Marianas Trench

This is the quote that one day I plan to have tattooed across my arms, because it is that significant to me. In autumn of 2012, I had an emotional breakdown in a semi-public area, yet was entirely ignored by the few people passing by— and I was scaring myself and didn’t know what to do, which just escalated the outburst. I don’t remember how but I physically calmed down enough to get home, where I then tried to mentally calm down, and used music as a distraction to that end. So it’s bittersweet, because I’ve always loved his music, and still have happy feelings hearing and singing it, but at the same time, Rob Thomas was the soundtrack to my sadness and madness. Yet also in a saving way, for it helped me cry and release my pain, and later served as a comfort to calm me down.

But a few days later, this lyric from “Porcelain” really stood out to me. These words encourage me, that when I ever get near that point of hopelessness and misery again— because I managed to get myself going on my own that last time it happened— I will be able to get past it. I will not “fall to pieces” but rather “let those old diseases lie”.
These lyrics tell me that even if I return to that level of despair, I cannot be irreparably broken, and through this knowledge, these words also serve as my resolution, making me more determined to keep up the battle, so that I won’t let anything make me feel that forlorn ever again.

Voice Crushes

The Brain Radio refers to when a song (or multiple songs, or really strange medleys of songs) get stuck in my head. My own radio, more personalized than Pandora or Spotify could ever hope to become!

In the previous post, I mentioned I wish it were possible to marry voices. Because you see, often I don’t know much, if anything, about the person who has the voice. Or I do, but only the person they portray in public, you know? I don’t know these people personally, no matter how much they seem to share. Most of them, I do like as people from what I know about them. But I’m not a fan of “shipping” real people, you see. And what if the person and I are not compatible?

But the voices, mmm. That’s not a problem.
I know I’m forgetting many others right now. A lot of them belong singers or ASMRtists. I’ll make another post explaining and focusing on ASMR at a later date. For now, without further ado (in no particular order), my voice crushes:

Rob Thomas (of Matchbox 20)
Josh Ramsay (of Marianas Trench)
Mandy Moore
Alexander Rybak
Jesse McCartney
Bruno Mars

Gaelforce Audio
Obviously ASMR
WhispersRed ASMR
ScottishMurmurs ASMR
Heather Feather
Tony Bomboni
Andrew Quo