Depression (5/3/15)

So I went to the doctor a week or two ago (gotta check the appointment date) and I’ve been diagnosed with depression. But, I still have lucidity and had a relatively decent grasp over it, y’know, no crying jags or whatever.

Not like I hadn’t wanted to cry. In front of other people, even though *I* have never tried to manipulate anyone, it just feels inherently manipulative when I cry, even though I never make that judgement about other people. I’m a reverse hypocrite. I hate crying in front of other people. By myself, I feel like it’s okay, ‘cause in solitude, tears are a release for me. But I couldn’t. At all. Just aching, but I couldn’t since the the 14th of April. A side effect I didn’t expect. It certainly feels like a sorry state when you WANT the ability to cry.

This past Friday, I finally did a little because someone could be proud of me when I can’t bear being me. I don’t know the emotion behind why I did. Was I relieved? Did it hurt more? I don’t know. Because I hate myself now. More than I ever did before. And I’m afraid of myself now. I’m sad and afraid and I’m self-loathing incarnate. I don’t want to be me at all, but I just can’t get away from myself. Though I, thank heavens, do want to live. It’s weird. I want to live, but I don’t want to be. But that’s impossible. I know it’s good (whatever that means, and for whom I’m still not feeling sure it’s for my own good) but it means, there is no way to get away from myself.

I won’t presume, of course, because that’s what made a whole other snafu in the first place, but there’s irony in that on the 14th I couldn’t understand him. Now I think I do. I’m pretty sure I feel the same way. Now that I’m pretty sure I’m in almost the exact same kind of place, I empathize with the feelings and the difficulty, and thus, I commend him for hanging on, especially as I have support he doesn’t.  The difference being, I had belonged to this reality, but now I don’t feel like I do. I don’t want to, but I have to. Because, there IS no other reality.

The waves of sadness I feel are largely general. This has been happening for a while, I suppose, I don’t know how long exactly but I actually noticed it myself around the 4th-5th of April. And I freaked myself out and it’s frustrating because then as now I’ve got no goddamn clue where my depression comes from. Sure, there’s the life stress and brain chemicals and all that, but if I’ve got clarity and support and I KNOW I’m irrationally sad, why can’t I just control it? It pisses me off because my sadness is like hunger. It lingers in your unconscious, then hits you and you realize “I’m sad” and then while with hunger, you can go eat and that goes away and you’re fine, there’s nothing that just makes that sadness go away.

Well, technically there is, and I know the science of how that works, but why does it? And why do I just get hit with this sadness anyway? I don’t want it. I don’t want it.

What’s bothering me specifically right now is, the medicine I’ve been prescribed, according to what the doctor said when I saw her, was that it was 95% likely to make me feel worse than I had been at the time I saw her. I thought I was pretty bad at that point, so I was afraid of feeling worse, not because I didn’t think I could get through it, but just that school-wise, the feeling worse would occur during finals time. And school is giving me huge stress right now. So, I figured since I had a decent handle on my depression for the most part, and no crying jags like she’d asked about, that I would begin to take the medicine after finals, so that way if I did get worse, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about school or anything else.

Except, yesterday I did have my first crying jag. Which was relieving on one level because I was worried by the loss of that ability. On the other hand, it’s a sign I’ve gotten worse. Now I worry that I should have started the medicine when the doctor prescribed it. Because I think the medicine amplifies your depressed feelings from the level you are right before you start. Which is worsening, I guess. So maybe if I’d taken the medicine earlier, crying jags would have been the worst of it. I don’t know what worse than that is, but I’m great at imagining and fearing even worse things. And now I dunno if I should start the meds now or not because now we’re even closer to finals and I just fucking hate this

I hate this

Everything is agony. “Agony” is perfect because if I recall it’s both anger and sadness. Love and life is agony and I’m not the type to do anything drastic— (I’m actually puzzled as to why I want to live, but I’m grateful for it, even though that, similarly to everything else that’s bothering me, is inexplicable)—but gods, it hurts

Speaking of, if any gods out there feel so inclined, I wouldn’t mind any of you playing around with time and re-creating/reincarnating me as my cousin’s cat. Their lives are not as complicated (not to invalidate you, cats) and he takes good care of them and pets are good for him.

Otherwise, please help me find a way to deal, be it either a return to a cyborg with an anesthetized heart, or angry amnesiac human. Or whatever a “better, fixed human” is. Just…at least help turn my feelings and thoughts off, please.

Thoughts from 4/27/14

Today I got a new cell phone! My old one hadn’t been working for more than a week. But then, right in the middle of looking for new phones online, suddenly the old one started working again! I’m a little annoyed because it’s too late and now I have the new phone, but even though the old one was very temperamental, it’s still nicer overall than this new phone. And I’m stuck with this new phone for the next 2 years…>>sigh<<

But also, exactly a month ago, I was in Vancouver, taking a tour of the city in the day and spending the night at the Rio Theatre for a concert of Matt Webb, Fake Shark Real Zombie, Jessica Lee, and Halfway to Hollywood! It was an ultimate day of fun!
I remember my trip in such detail that it doesn’t seem like very long ago,especially because I’ve been longing to go back to Vancouver ever since I left. In fact, even more so than Hawaii, I felt so perfectly at home right from the get-go, it was almost excruciating on a soulmate level to leave. In fact I might put Canada as my #1 settling place, except I do want to at least travel to Italy and England first just to make sure of my preference order, but it’s likely Canada will stay at the top.

In addition, yesterday I was feeling really lonely, even after a short time where I got to socialize with a camp friend and see my sister and her classmates all fancied up for prom. So I’d asked a friend to come over when I got back from taking pics for my sister. But he fell asleep, and later said he kinda felt like being alone that evening. I can respect that at any time, but also especially in his case given certain circumstances, but it did make me feel lonelier than ever.

Thus I instead convinced my parents to (somewhat reluctantly) consent to let me go see the new Captain America movie by myself last night. I understand their concern as legitimate since the theater was a bit far from our house and the movie wouldn’t end until midnight, so it was nice of them to allow me to go. It was interesting because apparently that theater is being remodeled, but staying half open for business during this time— literally, half of it was blocked off behind plastic covering and caution tape, and five screens were running. You had to pay for tickets at the food register. Another interesting thing is that there were quite a few other people seeing the movie with me, and they had rather young children. I wonder how they managed to stay awake!

And I’m not sure about this because I can never tell what my own facial expressions are—as I usually cannot feel them on my face, even physical movements— but I guess I looked either shy, sad, or both, because Louie (or it may have been Louis), the clerk that evening, was smiling at me, in an oddly encouraging manner. Or perhaps it was just amusement? I could imagine that being the case, because if I were in that position I might wonder “Why would this girl come by herself and see a movie this late?” Or be amused because I was asking for a ticket to see Captain America but I happened to be wearing my UK flag sweater.
It may be because of how desperately lonely I’d been feeling but he seemed especially nice. Putting whatever bias my loneliness might contribute, as well as whatever Louie’s intentions were (unless he was just being his natural self, only he would know), he did have a pretty cute smile.

I went off on a tangent a little though. The last time I was experiencing this kind of loneliness, it wasn’t quite as intense, but I still wanted to go do something, so I decided to go roller skating at the rink in town. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that recently in that neighborhood they’d had to set up a DUI checkpoint on the way, every weekend, and since I’d already left an hour later than the session start, another 45 minutes of EXTREMELY slow going gave me only about an hour left of time to skate. So I was going to go in, ask about the DUI thing (because I didn’t know about the above details while I was experiencing the traffic), and then turn around and go home because it wouldn’t be worth it at that point to go skating.
I rang the buzzer and the clerk there came and told me the above stuff, because I told him I hadn’t been to the rink in a while and I’d never driven there myself so I didn’t think about that when I decided to come skate, and I was gonna leave but then he asked if I still wanted to skate. And I said yes, but I should probably come back next weekend. But he offered to let me in to skate for free, and I asked “Well that’s very nice, but you don’t have to, you’d lose some business” but he was adamant about it, and so I insisted I’d pay for skate rental at least. But according to the clerk unless you’re going to use in-lines (which I don’t have the capability to control on a rink), the skate rental is included in admission.

Thus I was led inside and given skates and it was really very very nice of that clerk. I had a nice time skating although I did fall twice, which means I must be terribly rusty. Ah, but I do wonder, I mean— I do attribute it in that I think of course these people are just nice-natured in the first place, but I also wonder—do my moods show up on my face? Did I look super downtrodden or something? Because I never think I have expressions other than indifference on, even when I don’t mean to. But in both instances I perceived these unrelated people being quite nice to me (or maybe that was my desperate mood analysis) and was genuinely surprised, and even now very appreciative, but also thinking that maybe I’m somehow being pitied? Yet I’m such a shameful person that I somewhat don’t mind in this reflection because their kindnesses were a helpful distraction. I don’t really know. But sometimes strangers, even (and maybe especially) those whom you’ll likely only encounter the one time, can be supremely nice people.

Top 5 Sad Songs Countdown

#5: Savage Garden- “I Don’t Know You Anymore”

#4: Marianas Trench- “So Soon”

#3: Alexander Rybak- “13 Horses”

#2: The song itself, but esp. this performance by Josh Ramsay- “Lover Dearest” Starting 5:28 onward:

#1: Jesse McCartney- “Invincible”