Rigor Mortis (5/20/15)

Upon waking up
My first thought-
feeling-instinct-
All that I want
Is for you to come back to me
Lay here beside me
And wake up with me

But then I remember
It would be impossible
To hold you forever
Have you hold me forever
Hold each other forever

I cannot accomplish this
Even in dreams
Yet even so, in my heart it seems,
There I can
-cannot help-
But hold you

In this heart
that aches and contracts,
quivering,
Because that is how a heart cries

In this heart
That quakes then slacks,
stiffening,
Because this is how a heart dies

Gradually,
but without end
So you see, I cannot pretend
Although it’s numbing I cannot rend
My heart to complete indifference

For it is in
-always in-
a state of Rigor Mortis

Chicago (6/23.15)

I wish we could go to Chicago together
A rare place I’ve been that you haven’t (yet)

If I hadn’t hurt us as I did, by this time next year we might have…

I love the Chicago thunderstorms, the powerful rain and the wind and the wicked-looking lightning

And I want(ed) to watch and share your first experience, with the storms and the city itself; a treat for me because it’s always been the other way around, and most of all because I love you
(Though I don’t know and don’t know if I want to know what you thought/think about that lack in me)

While it stormed in the city, I wanted to share with you the storm inside me bearing your name, one as powerfulas that outside, show you the surge of energy and exaltation in creation and share that with you

And hopefully instead of destruction the brewing storm in me would transmit to you, become a two-way surge,

We’d become a circuit and the electricity you brew in me would manifest-
(It might shock you at first but I was Static and you like to feel electric)
-paying homage to Zeus, Poseidon and Lady Aphrodite

Chicago is the one full dead daydream that I can remember, and I’m sad and glad I have it, because I can’t delude myself about any aspect of it,

Even if I wanted to, since I have lost the ability and have neither hope nor reason for daydreaming nor dagdrøm fuel. I know in my head it’ll be better for us both, that I don’t do those things. In order to let you be, as I must

One day in this reality, when you finally get to the city of bricks and jazz and thunderstorms you will have an untainted place all your own, because you will never know (unless you find this, but then for your sake you may forget)
what I wanted to share with you in Chicago