Horrid Hormones, or Who Do You Love (7/27/15)

Kinda wanna cuddle and maybe make out with a boy, but which one? Or does it need to be any of them, or would any random respectful boy I find aesthetically attractive suffice? I want someone long-term eventually of course, but how do I tell if I want that now? Am I just lonely? Is it just hormones? Or some combination?

Was I ever in love with PD? With Gary? Am I in love with either of them right now? If so, when and how? Or which one? And what about BC? Did I or do I have true love for any of them?

Does being in love differ depending on who you love? How is true love defined, and does it differ depending on who you love? If being in love and/or true love DO differ depending on WHO you love, then how do you recognize when you are in love with someone, or when you have true love for them? How do you recognize such states when YOU are the recipient?

And if you are both in love with someone AND have a true love for them, how should you deal if you have lost them and they don’t want to give it another try? What should you say or do for a person when they feel and think about YOU like that?

Or what do you do if you rejected someone before but now you think you wanna try with them because you understand how they define love, and your definition is the same?
When you have that thought, is it because you truly are in love with that particular individual now, because of the way they love(d) you? Or because you just want to be loved in the same manner of how YOU love? How do you tell?
And what do you do if you finally love them how they loved you, but you rejected them and now they don’t feel the same or don’t want to try? How should you deal if it’s too late?

Timing is the main obstruction to love.

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End of an Era (12/4/16)

Lots of advice says not to give up on someone you love, but to help them through and persevere. But what if that person wants you to go away? What if they truly mean it? What if they reject your desire to help– and that’s perfectly within their right– but what if they also want you to go away, and don’t want any sort of support, company, or even contact from you?

That’s in their right too of course, but then how are you supposed to follow “You’ll never have what you want if you give up” or “Nothing will change/can happen if you don’t try again”?

What if you aren’t allowed that chance?

Then there’s the opposing advice: “If they can’t see/appreciate you/that, then it’s not meant to be/that person’s not right for you” and “Sometimes you just have to give up & move on.”

But how can you know at what point to give up trying with someone? Whether you should keep trying for who you love or stop trying for who you love? And on whose behalf?

There’s the quandary: “Can’t love if you don’t, I can’t try if you wont.” I know.
I know.

Thus, I recognize the most likely thing is I’ll have to face the music at some point. In my case, to get beyond trying to let go and move on, and actually do so. “I hope you know that I don’t blame you my dear friend. Always will love you still. But Astoria must end.”

This is true for me too. But then how can I ever make or reach a true end?

What IS flirting? (10/21/14)

Today another girl commented that she thought a boy I had liked (she doesn’t know I liked him, and he doesn’t either) likes me! So my grounds for thinking that earlier weren’t entirely delusional! Such a relief. Oh, if only that could be! But I told her, “No, he has a girlfriend.” Then she said, “Oh, maybe he’s flirty then…? Nah.” which I took as a general statement but still she looked pointedly at me when saying that…so is she implying that he’s flirty just toward me?

You see, I hadn’t known him for very long anyway but found him attractive both as a person and physically as well (which has never happened to me before) so I wanted to get to know him for a few months and then maybe ask him out. But I gave that up as soon as he mentioned he has a girlfriend. I didn’t know him too well anyway, so it didn’t take me too long to get over my initial tiny disappointment; and this person is nice and interesting and cool still so that being friends only with them is enough.

But a thing about me is that I tend to tease people all the time even without knowing their relationship status/gender/sexuality, because I automatically consider all acquaintances and friendships default platonic. Like when I tease people I’m making light fun and I tend to call them “fool” and such. I feel like flirting is a kind of teasing but with intended underlying romantic/sexual undertones, and that in order to be flirting you must be consciously deciding to do it. Therefore to my knowledge I am never flirting with anyone, I am just teasing people in a joking manner.

For by my own definition I have only been teasing in fun; but now I wonder, by others’/society’s definitions, have I been flirting with him (and everyone else I know) without knowing it? I ask this question because several times in the past, when by my perspective I was just teasing people, others have said that I was flirting. But I couldn’t see how. So apparently my ideas about the concept are different from the norm. Thus I don’t entirely trust my judgement, since I don’t seem to have much natural intuition.

Anyway, because he has a girlfriend, and due to my own default to jovially tease people within the allowances of the realm of platonic friendship, as soon as I learned of his girlfriend I’d dismissed the idea that he was interested in me in any way other than platonic. I just thought he was teasing me in the manner in which I tend to tease people. Therefore I’ve been taking his teasing as just straightforward joking, but now I’m questioning: is what I thought of as him teasing me- is it actually him trying to flirt toward me?
And does he think I am or have been flirting with him? I wonder about that especially because comparatively I actually haven’t teased him to nearly the amount I usually do toward everyone else I meet.

I would love to hear anyone’s ideas on the definitions of and differences between friendly teasing and flirting. I would appreciate clarification and perspective on this, so would anyone care to enlighten this poor oblivious soul? Please feel free to send me your thoughts through here in any way you’re comfortable with. Thank you!

A Real Partner

Because of my real-life experiences, I have real-life things I just have to uphold. I’ve had really messy and painful relationships before and I want to be realistic but also want to protect & respect myself. Also, although the outline below seems pretty strict, I think I’ve left room for flexibility, you know?

Requirements:

  • RESPECT FOR ALL PEOPLE/THINGS
  • NO HABITUAL DRUGS NOR SMOKING either please
  • Minor gambling (w/friends, or during vacation) permissible
    • basically means let’s not get into debt or leverage impt. things like house, car, etc.
  • Minimal-moderate drinking permissible
    • minimal= mostly at special occasions (ex: holidays, BBQs, weddings)
    • moderate= weekends generally? Essentially, drinking w/o getting hella drunk
    • *Just, no need to be hella drunk, or even always drunk, when drinking. I figure (dunno though, no personal experience) it’s possible to do that and still enjoy it. Or at most, can sometimes be drunk, but I don’t want to (nor think I should have to, if known from the start) deal with an alcoholic, so yes.
  • Smart; if smarter than me, never intentionally makes me feel stupid or uses it against me.
  • Not a player. Talk to me, I may be way more flexible or open to things than I seem. But I can’t handle player-related insecurity, so just talking about things would be easier and better for both of us.
  • Doesn’t ridicule my fears/insecurities/anxieties
  • Doesn’t ridicule things I enjoy or condescendingly dismiss them as a phase
  • Can understand & respect need for balancing our relationship & friendships— i.e., we of course can share but also be able to have/do separate things w/friends sometimes
  • ***But of course, loves me most aside from parents, siblings, and children, as those are incomparable positions. Like, I would never ask, “Who do you love more, me or your parents?” Among incomparable positions is life partner (if we are at that stage), so in that case, that position must be incontestably mine.
    • The reasons I am held in this position should be me-specific (i.e. “you’re pretty, nice, etc.” doesn’t suffice b/c that applies to a zillion people). I don’t like to be a “testing/prove it” kind of person, but nothing’s good for either party if you don’t have any specific reasons to pick one person over any other.
  • Has (or is working on, I’ll be fair b/c I don’t have many myself at the moment) practical skills—house/tools, finances, that kind of thing. Enough combined with my skills (or lack thereof) so we can at least survive decently without trouble
  • Appropriate sense of competition/sportsmanship (no actual rage/anger over games)
  • Gets along w/his own family, or at least really tries—underneath difficulties, they all love each other (?). No hatred, no hatred please. At minimum, can be civil with them.
  • Truly likes & tries to get along with my family
  • Social, without being unmanagably socially ignorant.
    • Basically don’t be rude if you actually know better. PLEASE have tact!
  • Serious when appropriate, but has (unhurtful) sense of humor
  • Basic hygiene— please be a decent human by showering & brushing your teeth, ok?

A Dream Partner

Before anyone else can say it: I know the majority of these things are picky or rather unrealistic. Part of the reason for making this list is so I can check myself. Besides, this is a dream list.

This list originated years ago and is of course under semi-frequent revision. Some things are subject to change probably. ‘Cause people increasingly ask me about it so it’s been on my mind. I’d be interested to hear any comments, especially regarding what seems reasonable and what’s too out there! I always appreciate perspective.
So, for my potential (likely hypothetical for the following reasons) significant other:

Somewhat important/necessary:

  • Well, I’m 99.5% sure, and comfortable, with my assessment that I’m cishet (cisgendered =identify with birth gender; het = from heterosexual). But I’ve never been asked out by any girl, so that’s why there’s the remaining 0.5%. I’ll leave it open because I won’t know until I’m faced with it, right? Though I trust my intuition. So preference is male.
  • Does not have become seriously angry in relation to the performance of professional sports teams.
  • Is smart but isn’t condescending to people who are just not as intelligent. Extra points if enjoys & is nice about teaching things. Esp. if smarter than me.
  • Patient, for the reason above.
  • Has a minimal amount of hypocrisy (as I know all humans are to some extent, including myself)
  • Is mostly ok with my lack of participating in PDA
  • Enjoys travel, books, BBC, superheros, anime/cosplay, and music. Bonus for the ability to sing or play an instrument. I’m a sucker for that. But that’s not a requirement, just easier for an interested party. Not like there are any though
  • No tree or ground nut allergies, specifically peanuts. I know it’s a little unfair but TBH, I’ve lived most of my life w/o romantic relationships, but living w/o peanut butter is beyond my imagination. It’d be the biggest shock of my life to find someone I’d give up peanut butter for. I think I have the capability, but really it’d be a boon if that wasn’t necessary. I suppose that would be a sign of true love (I’m half-joking here)

It would be cool but not necessary:

  • My height minimum? I think that’s fair, I’m 5’4″….Is it unfair? This is just a preference list
  • Hair neat when awake & about the public. At least not constantly a rat’s nest.
  • Doesn’t mind too much my lack of creativity
  • Captures or otherwise deals with bugs for me when I just can’t. Specifically spiders & roaches, I’m sorry. I know men can be creeped out by bugs too. I will try my best. “Deals” doesn’t have to be killing —if they wanna catch spiders and release them outside instead of killing them, kudos to them— but I don’t care as long as bugs are not in my house
  • Travel somewhere new for a vacation every three-ish years or so. Even if it’s just the next town over.
  • Spontaneous (somewhat) & affectionate
    • although a warning, I’m shy at being involved in PDA
  • Willing to try new things, but not too pushy